Recently, I heard someone using the term "spiritual adultery." What does this term mean?
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The term “spiritual adultery” does not
appear in scripture, nevertheless we can find the concept in the Bible.
Specifically, the Bible describes idolatry as a type of adultery. We
can see this metaphor in Ezekiel 16 (among others places) when the Lord
rebukes Israel for their unfaithfulness:
Ezek. 16:8 “Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were
at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your
nakedness. I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so
that you became Mine,” declares the Lord GOD.
Ezek. 16:9 “Then I bathed you with water, washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil.
Ezek. 16:10 “I also clothed you with
embroidered cloth and put sandals of porpoise skin on your feet; and I
wrapped you with fine linen and covered you with silk.
Ezek. 16:11 “I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your hands and a necklace around your neck.
Ezek. 16:12 “I also put a ring in your nostril, earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head.
Ezek. 16:13 “Thus you were adorned
with gold and silver, and your dress was of fine linen, silk and
embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour, honey and oil; so you were
exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty.
Ezek. 16:14 “Then your fame went forth
among the nations on account of your beauty, for it was perfect because
of My splendor which I bestowed on you,” declares the Lord GOD.
Ezek. 16:15 “But you trusted in your
beauty and played the harlot because of your fame, and you poured out
your harlotries on every passer-by who might be willing.
Ezek. 16:16 “You took some of your
clothes, made for yourself high places of various colors and played the
harlot on them, which should never come about nor happen.
Ezek. 16:17 “You also took your
beautiful jewels made of My gold and of My silver, which I had given
you, and made for yourself male images that you might play the harlot
with them.
Ezek. 16:18 “Then you took your embroidered cloth and covered them, and offered My oil and My incense before them.
Ezek. 16:19 “Also My bread which I
gave you, fine flour, oil and honey with which I fed you, you would
offer before them for a soothing aroma; so it happened,” declares the
Lord GOD.
Ezek. 16:20 “Moreover, you took your
sons and daughters whom you had borne to Me and sacrificed them to idols
to be devoured. Were your harlotries so small a matter?
Ezek. 16:21 “You slaughtered My children and offered them up to idols by causing them to pass through the fire.
Ezek. 16:22 “Besides all your
abominations and harlotries you did not remember the days of your youth,
when you were naked and bare and squirming in your blood.
The Lord compares the nation of Israel
to a young bride raised up for the purpose of honoring God, Who is
Israel's Husband by covenant. Rather than remaining faithful to the
Lord, the nation of Israel played the “harlot” by worshipping other
gods, the Lord says.
In a sense, the Lord called Israel
an adulteress who “cheated” on Her Husband by worshipping foreign
gods. The Lord uses adultery as a metaphor for spiritual unfaithfulness,
and in that sense, the Bible includes the concept of "spiritual
adultery” (if not the words).
A New Use of the Term
More recently, however, the term spiritual adultery has been used to
describe any inappropriate, nonsexual relationship between a man and a
woman that doesn't otherwise qualify as literal adultery (i.e. no sexual
act was involved). We presume the term was coined for relationships
that fall in the grey area between an ordinary, casual friendship and an
illicit, sexual affair.
For example, consider the situation
of a man and a woman who are married to other people who form
a personal friendship. Over time, the couple grows very close and spends
increasing time together without their spouses' knowledge. Eventually,
they begin to meet for private dinners, conduct frequent phone
conversations, and exchange intimate texts or letters. Still, the couple
never engages in sexual contact of any kind.
Is this couple guilty of adultery?
Despite the troubling nature of such a relationship, we cannot call
it adultery. Adultery, by definition, is a sexual relationship outside
marriage. For example, consider the comparison between adultery and
prostitution:
Hos. 4:14 I will not punish your daughters when they play the harlot
Or your brides when they commit adultery,
For the men themselves go apart with harlots
And offer sacrifices with temple prostitutes;
So the people without understanding are ruined.
The Lord speaking in Hosea says He will not punish Israel's daughters
when they play the harlot, which He equates with adultery and
prostitution. Obviously, the services offered by harlots and prostitutes
revolve around sexual acts, not merely spending quality time together!
So if adultery is equal to prostitution, then it involves sexual
contact.
Furthermore, the legal definition defines adultery as:
"...voluntary sexual relations between an individual who is married and someone who is not the individual's spouse."
Again, adultery is a sexual act, by definition.
Nevertheless, our example relationship of the man and woman is not
without sin. Such a relationship will likely involve sins of lust, lying
or coveting. In the worst cases, the relationship will eventually
result in literal adultery, but until such time that the relationship
involves sexual contact, how would we describe the relationship if it's not adultery?
Church leaders have struggled with how to characterize such a
situation. In fact, just determining when such a relationship has become
inappropriate can be difficult (i.e., when is a close relationship
between a man and a woman “too close?”). Therefore to address this
ambiguity, some churches invented the term "spiritual adultery" to
describe a relationship that intimates marital unfaithfulness yet does
not involve sexual sin.
Is such a label warranted? Is there such a thing as spiritual adultery in this context?
We believe the answer is no. We do not believe the label spiritual
adultery is appropriate nor helpful. While we understand the desire to
call out such behavior in a strong way, we believe labeling it spiritual
adultery is confusing to the church and may lead to unintended
consequences.
First, sufficient terminology already exists to describe and address
the sin(s) involved in excessively-intimate relationships. Lusting,
lying and coveting are usually present in any inappropriate
relationship, so there is no need to invent new sins to condemn such
behavior. Even Jesus Himself equated the seriousness of lust with
adultery in Matt 5:28, indicating that the sin of lust is already
sufficiently serious to warrant sanctioning within the body.
Furthermore, adding the word “ adultery” in situations where no
sexual sin is present is misleading, unnecessarily inflammatory and
invitation for abuse within the church body. The sin of adultery is a
serious sexual sin, and it carries significant penalties within
the church, including disqualification from leadership and even barring
from future marriage.
Therefore when the church uses the word “adultery” to describe
situations where sexual sin is NOT present (even if in a metaphorical
sense), the overuse of the term risks diluting the seriousness of
literal adultery. Equally troubling, the term “adultery” opens the door
for excessive and inappropriate penalties for those involved in lessor
sin.
In the worst cases, a man or woman’s sin might be labeled “spiritual
adultery” as a political ploy. Since literal adultery disqualifies a
person from leadership (see 1Tim 3), a nonsexual relationship could be
labeled spiritual adultery to justify disqualifying a person
from pastoral leadership or eldership, or to deny an individual
fellowship within the church body. Such abuse is possible – if not
inevitable – when the church entertains new, unbiblical classifications
for sin.
Thirdly, the term spiritual adultery is likely to confuse the Church,
since the term implies the existence of some new, mysterious category
of sin. The congregation can't know for sure what behaviors will trigger
a charge of spiritual adultery, since the Bible offers no definition
of the term. Therefore, how can a Christian know when he or she has
moved from lusting or coveting into spiritual adultery?
Fourthly, the label of spiritual adultery is contrived, and therefore
when we take the concept to its logical conclusion, we reach ridiculous
outcomes. For example, should spiritual adultery be subject to the same
penalties reserved for literal adultery? If not, why not? Why treat one
from of adultery differently than another?
Furthermore, since spiritual adultery is a sin of desire (not
action), are we prepared to judge all sinful thoughts as equal to sinful
actions, with spiritual murder now equal to literal murder, spiritual
theft equal to literal theft, spiritual lying equal to literal lying,
etc.? These questions illustrate the inconsistency resulting from
contriving ill-conceived labels.
Instead, the church should remain constrained by scripture. First,
the church should teach spiritual wisdom, including how every spouse
must guard his or her heart against the schemes of the enemy, which will
test our faithfulness in marriage. Each must be prepared to withstand
such temptations taking every opportunity to prepare in advance,
including adopting simple rules in marriage like not spending time alone
with or communicating privately with someone of the opposite sex, etc.
As James says:
James 1:14 But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.
James 1:15 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.
In cases where inappropriate,
nonsexual relationship outside marriage are brought to light in the
church, leaders should rebuke the couple, demanding confession and
repentance, and counseling the individuals involved to consider their
behavior in light of their commitments to their spouses and to Christ.
If repentance follows, the church should forgive the individual and restore them, as Jesus commanded:
Luke 17:3 “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.
Luke 17:4 “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
And as Paul commanded, we are to restore the brother who repents in the face of correction:
Gal. 6:1 Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you
who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each
one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.
Gal. 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.
These instructions are sufficient to
deal with the sin of an inappropriate relationship. Based on scripture,
there is no need to “amp up” the charge or any corresponding penalties.